Sean, now that is downright strange and outrageous. I wonder why too. Why don't you check out a local nursery, they may be able to turn you onto where you could get some young canes to start a vine or two. I have a grape vine that may be producing enough this year to get some grapes, I am hoping. If I could I would start you some plants this late spring, but you know about the border stuff and who knows eh? But....you would need a jump start and get some plants that were established and a couple of years old. It takes several years for grapes to start to produce.
About 3 years ago I went to this vacant lot that had recently had the house mowed over. My Cousin had told me that she got a whole bunch of big black grapes from these vines. By the time I got around to going there it was getting late summer. I snagged a bunch of roots that I just ripped out of the ground, I was in a hurry, and was just passing by. I heeled these in and winter came. The following spring, lo and behold these suckers started to grow. I let them grow that year and they didn't do much at all. The next year I just left them.
Now this past fall, the vines had grown into kind of elongated monster vines. I cut them back hard, leaving some of the trunk and two leaders coming off each side. I think that this year these two may produce grapes, and I am pretty excited about the prospect of a big black grape, not the kind of slimey sweet little green ones that my established vine produces.
Don't know where I was going with this. But....if it came down to anything and we could ship young plants across the border, I could start you some starts of each variety, if you should so wish. Just one day down the road, say the word, and I will do this for you. In the meantime, do some investigating, I am sure something wonderful will you way come. Have an awesome day. Cindi