My oldest Daughter, imagine that, of whom I am sure this story is partly about (and of course about me too) sent this in an e-mail this morning. She is the buff gal, the gal that has that beautiful body, although she will be 39 this year, she is amazing......still looks like she was when she was 16. I am sure she sent this e-mail, chuckling all the way through it. Right, she is the one that gave Ken and I gift certificates to Waves to have a pedicure, smiling, which we still haven't done. Have that most beautiful and awesome life, day, health, Cindi
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally mad e it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other bleep too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bleep to
find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bleep Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little bleep) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Topic: Ha!!! Any woman over 40 can relate to this one!!! Smiling that big smile... (Read 2832 times)