Beemaster's International Beekeeping Forum
MEMBER & GUEST INTERACTION SECTION => HUMOR IS A FUNNY THING => Topic started by: BjornBee on November 27, 2008, 07:29:13 pm
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Brian's thread about rednecks brought back a classic....
After a big wedding, ma and pa were sitting by the fire talking about their son's big day. Pa was eating some apple pie. (no real relevance to the story, but I wanted to add to the story in a meaningful way... :-D ) They had just returned from the wedding after seeing off their son to the local motel.
All of a sudden, the son busts in the front door looking devastated.
What happened asked Ma.
Well, the son started, "she's , she's,........she's,......"
"Spit it out boy for cryin out loud" yelled Pa.
Well Pa, you see, she's , she's......a virgin!"
Pa, throws down his fork (just missing Ma,...again, just adding fluff) and throws his hands in the air. "Dang right!" he cries out, "if she ain't good enough for her own family, she's not good enough for ours!"
:shock:
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:-D
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:-D ;)
...JP
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We have enjoyed the red neck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and & place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have and always will.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if:
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. :-D
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Amen Irwin.
Don't forget taking your cap off to show respect.
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I'm a Redneck and proud of it ! I enjoy most redneck jokes some are just rude. I have served my country and give god thank's for what I have.
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Comedy is funny...some if it is crass. It does test our security with "who" we are...We all have various senses of humor. I have a very dark sense of humor and laugh at things that make most people cringe. Perhaps it is because I have been surrounded by some pretty dark situations in my life.
I have been the recipient/brunt of jokes being a female, blonde, short, from immigrants, because I am a liberal,
etc...
All these "labels"...of how people define who I am...
Who am I ??? I am "we", "us"...and I LOVE to laugh...
When all else fails...LAUGH, and smile, it increases your face value~*~*~*~
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Thanks, Irwin, now you're calling me a redneck! I don't have any refrigerators on my porch or cars on blocks, so you are missing something in your definition! :roll:
Although with the big garden, fruit trees, wood pile, 5 kids, and 10 beehives in my suburban backyard my neighbors might tend to agree with you.... :lol:
Or you might not actually be a redneck.... :-P
Rick
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Yes Sharon
It is very wise to laugh and smile as much as possible as we watch this grand drama called "LIFE" unfolding before us.
Best to see it all as a dream, which I believe it is anyway. Here today and gone tomorrow.
Stay peaceful as possible and enjoy
Annette
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This is my last post on this. I have had car's on jack stands and truck's too. I got a freezer on my side deck for my bee stuff. I had to drop out of school to help mom pay the bill's to keep a roof over our heads. My goal in life is to keep my grandkid's life safe. Scadsobees you got hope yet just put a truck on block's and plant something in it :-D :-D . Sharon Annette you have got a point :-D :-D :-D
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Here is my last post on this too...My daughter and I were talking about "life" and all...we laughed ans started singing the old song "row row row your boat"...
Life is but a dream???
Love y'all whatever colors yer necks may be~*~*~*~*~
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Here is what I have...
Way out back sits my friend's old white school bus used as a storage place.
My son's broken down pickup
Another friend's broken down car
Another friend's boat and as of last night there is a camper shell on the boat.
Piles of junk all over the place..... I like junk :-D
Getting closer to the house there are 8 bee hives.
A little closer is an old RV (motor home) also used to store stuff
Piles of wood brought in to build things with.
Half finished chicken coop
A fenced in area containing my daughter's dog.
That thrice repaired storage shed, one third of which is being used as a temporary chicken coop.
There is a non-working freezer on my porch/deck at the back of my double wide
1948 Ford 8N tractor (yes it works)
Round above ground pool.
Three more dogs
Three cats
36 chickens
Our operating vehicles consists of a pickup, 4 wheel drive Durango, daughter's car, son-on-law's work van.
I'm sure I left something out.
So where do I sit in this redneck contest?
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So where do I sit in this redneck contest?
Your only at about a two on a scale of ten. I see several areas that maybe you could expand upon....
1) You only mention two generations, that being you and your wife, and daughter and son in law. You need to go to at least three generations, with at least one member being a cousin, crazy aunt, or a walk in from the street.
2) You have not listed how many teeth are currently missing from members of the family. No points given for anything less than 50% or less.
3)You mention a fenced dog. Subtract 10 points. No redneck fences his dogs. And you also missed 10 points by not disclosing puppies and kittens running around. Purely shameful. Now if two dogs and at least one cat sleeps in each bed at night, bonus points are given. And NO! you can not count your wife as a dog. I tried it already and was denied the points.
4)You were on track with the pickup truck comment, but what the heck is a "durango"? Call it a beater, a fish-hauler, the family vehicle for special occasions if you must...but a "durango"? Now the only exception to this would be if you had a son called durango and he was either conceived or given birth in the thing, then exception could be made. Bonus points could be gained if it was used as a crib or playpen for any young-in's grow-in up.
5) What's with the "house" comment. Trailer, cabin, shack, or other proper redneck dwelling must be used.
6) The nonworking freezer was a nice bonus point. Being a redneck, and handy with tools, you should not have a nonworking freezer on the back porch. That thing should be turned into, and use as it was properly made for....a "beer storage facility".
I could go on. But as you can see, you left many points unclaimed, many bonus points untouched.
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we need more redneck in this country!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Jerry, you sound pretty redneck to me brother, kudos on the freezer that don't work, how long its been there? The tell tale sign you got redneck in your blood is the old white school bus out back, yellow would have been better, but white's ok too. anything brokedown adds a nice touch and the chickens are the coupe de grace.
My wife just calls me Fred Sanford, cause I got junk all over the place, can't ever seem to part with enough of it, throw stuff out and more creeps back in, I'm more of a city hillbilly, I guess you could say I'm a redneck wanna be. Two of my dogs sleep with me and the wife, the other on the floor next to the bed. I have 5 frogs, 2 bearded dragons, 3 dogs and a colony of Dubia roaches to feed the dragons and frogs, and a 1990 bass boat that hadn't been run since before Katrina, gotta nice new 2000 motor in it though, boy does the wife want that thing gone.
Now inside the house is another story, bee boxes everywhere, my wife is a very patient woman, but I will have to move the bee boxes out of the house and into the shed very soon as they are taking up the spot where the fake christmas tree goes.
One day, I hope to have chickens runnin' around, just not in the city.
...JP
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1) You only mention two generations, that being you and your wife, and daughter and son in law. You need to go to at least three generations, with at least one member being a cousin, crazy aunt, or a walk in from the street.
OK two grandkids. I have disowned pretty much all of my relatives except for Mom and my Six kids and seven grand kids..... or is it eight?
2) You have not listed how many teeth are currently missing from members of the family. No points given for anything less than 50% or less.
My wife has a couple missing on the side and I have a stainless steel cap on the top front.
3)You mention a fenced dog. Subtract 10 points. No redneck fences his dogs. And you also missed 10 points by not disclosing puppies and kittens running around. Purely shameful. Now if two dogs and at least one cat sleeps in each bed at night, bonus points are given. And NO! you can not count your wife as a dog. I tried it already and was denied the points.
The chickens are running loose and the dog would kill them. Plus he bites at the neighbors horses.
All male dogs and all female cats, I don't know why there are no pups or kits :shock:
Two dogs for me and the wife at night and a dog and at least one cat for the daughter. One cat stays outside and I have no clue what the other one does.
4)You were on track with the pickup truck comment, but what the heck is a "durango"? Call it a beater, a fish-hauler, the family vehicle for special occasions if you must...but a "durango"? Now the only exception to this would be if you had a son called durango and he was either conceived or given birth in the thing, then exception could be made. Bonus points could be gained if it was used as a crib or playpen for any young-in's grow-in up.
This is a Dodge Durando. Mine is a Patriot Blue 4x4 and I use it to tow my 24 foot flatbed trailer. And I have removable side rails for that trailer. My friend has it right now, it is part his. I have hauled some bees in it and assorted other stuff.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5f/2003_Dodge_Durango.jpg/800px-2003_Dodge_Durango.jpg)
5) What's with the "house" comment. Trailer, cabin, shack, or other proper redneck dwelling must be used.
It is a double wide. Just thought house would keep it simple for the city folk. :-D
6) The nonworking freezer was a nice bonus point. Being a redneck, and handy with tools, you should not have a nonworking freezer on the back porch. That thing should be turned into, and use as it was properly made for....a "beer storage facility".
It needs freon. No connections to insert freon. It stores some of my bee equipment and paint.
Jerry, you sound pretty redneck to me brother, kudos on the freezer that don't work, how long its been there? The tell tale sign you got redneck in your blood is the old white school bus out back, yellow would have been better, but white's ok too. anything brokedown adds a nice touch and the chickens are the coupe de grace.
It has been there maybe a bit longer than six years.
Now down on my twenty acres of desert land I have a really run down travel trailer, A big YELLOW school bus. A ford ranger pickup in need of a new engine. A wrecked Jeep Cherokee.
I only wear blue jeans. Prefer western cut blue shirts that snap, not button. Make it easier to get out of in a hurry ;) Have long hair past my shoulders even though it is really thin on top.
I'll go now and think of a few more things.
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I guess I qualify as a red neck:
1. Three generations under the same roof, with 8 people in a 2 1/2 bedroom house,
2. 2 dogs in the yard, you don't let a good hunting dog run loose you tie him up.
3. The boat in my yard sits on a trailer with 2 flat tires and is full of inflatable boats and fishing gear.
4. I have numerous types of livestock: Bees, Chickens, goats, sheep, rabbits (3 varieties) and pigeons (5 varieties).
5. The barn is used for family storage and the hay is stacked in the pasture under a tarp.
6. We named the drive way, "The Circle."
7. I compost anything organic.
8. I have enough food in the basement to last a year, 3 years if you count the live animals, garden, and fruit trees.
9. I have enough firepower to arm a platoon (I collect rifles used in the 2 World Wars).
10. The creek has to rise over 12 feet to reach flood level at my place, by which time everything between me and the saltchuck is already under water.
11. I'm teaching my grandkids that they don't name their food because they might like to eat chicken but not Henrietta.
12. I drive a Redneck Coupe, that's a 4X4 with extended cab (seats 5), 8 foot bed, winch, and boom with a gun rack (with fishing pole) in the rear window.
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Hee, hee, heh, heh. This thread has been a cracker-upper, pretty interesting what stuff is going on in your own backyards, smiling. Have that most wonderful and awesomely great day, and health. Cindi
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hmmmm
i guess that living with my sister and her husband should be worth a point or two,
at least 2 working guns for everybody in the house (ok neighborhood if i get honest with it)
2 dogs in the back yard and one at a relatives
3 pickups at home, my camper is at a friends but is used for storage
you'll hafta deduct a point cause all 4 of the freezers and refridgerators in the garage work
there are enough power tools in the garage to start a furniture shop but most are still in the boxes
we have a camper shell in the back yard with a lot of scrap lumber in it
plus 2 sheds
my horse is at a friends place
2 antique cabinets in the garage, waiting to be refinished
one broken down welder in the garage (waiting on parts)
3 brokendown wheelchairs in the garage
no cars in the garage
yeah i think i see a little red around the collar when i look in the mirror :-D
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jerry, we have a durango too, except we use ours for haulin' tractors to the pulls.
http://forum.beemaster.com/index.php/topic,6521.0.html
and yes, I was bored in a lot of the pics ( :
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I just placed a nonworking refrigerator on my porch today. It will soon go into the shed with the two upright freezers.
And to keep up with the shivering hillbilly
One wire welder
Two other welders - one doesn't work
A table saw and radial arm saw wrapped in plastic outside cause there is no room anywhere for them right now.
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Did I mention the home made welder in the corner of the garage? This thingis huge and weighs a ton and I can't figure out how to use it, there are no directions or labels on it. My uncle made in during the Korean War as a science project in College. Guess one of these days I'll tear it apart for the copper wire and fittings...should be worth a few hundred bucks if sold by the pound.
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I read an article yesterday about all the recycle prices have really fallen. Steel was $535 a ton and is now down to $100 a ton. :shock:
It didn't say what copper was.
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hey give me that point back, the built in fridge in the cqamper dont work, had to get it home yesterday and had to call my brother to get it cause my ford wont start, i've lost all battery power and its snowing so it'll hafta wait till i can get under it without getting totally buried while i'm figuring it out lol, btw the camper came with a large wheel chair rack on the back, just right for a full sized fridge between the tail lights lol
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hey give me that point back, the built in fridge in the cqamper dont work, had to get it home yesterday and had to call my brother to get it cause my ford wont start, i've lost all battery power and its snowing so it'll hafta wait till i can get under it without getting totally buried while i'm figuring it out lol, btw the camper came with a large wheel chair rack on the back, just right for a full sized fridge between the tail lights lol
Get the fridge workin' and onto the rack and add at least 10 points for that, would be a good place to throw road kill as you're moving down the road searching for dinner.
...JP
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I'm trying to figuer out the difference between Cracker and Redneck. Maybe just location. Anyway, heres a family photo of some of my ancestors. How many of yours got the dog and cows in the family portrait :-D?
(http://i399.photobucket.com/albums/pp79/RAST01/anc5.jpg)
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down south cracker is an insult, whip cracker from slavery days, the terms are used interchangeably in some circles. but in recent years redneck has come to be more of a description of less wealthy more country type folks or those that havent moved too far from those roots. that i will own
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no dogs and cows but might be able to round up a few with horses in there
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I guess I was too dumb to take it as an insult growing up. I always preferred to think it was cause they used a whip (along with their cow dogs) to pop the wild cows out of the palmetto scrub. My GGgrandaddy gathered together and drove one of (if not) the first herds of cattle to the Miami area.
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Is that what cracker means? I thought it was because a person was white... like a cracker.
You can tell I'm really into this racial stuff. :roll:
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I'm trying to figuer out the difference between Cracker and Redneck. Maybe just location. Anyway, heres a family photo of some of my ancestors. How many of yours got the dog and cows in the family portrait :-D?
(http://i399.photobucket.com/albums/pp79/RAST01/anc5.jpg)
I have one of my Greatgrandfather, as a boy in PA, standing in front of his parents house with skeps, box, and log hives all over the yard.
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"Is that what cracker means? I thought it was because a person was white... like a cracker."
Not down here, at least not the general acceptance of the meaning as it was handed down to me growing up here.
Two different kind of crackers, anybody from Ga. was a Ga. cracker.
A Fl. cracker was from the bullwhip days of gathering the wild cows the Spanish left down here out of the palmettos and swamp thickets.
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My favorite are graham crackers! :-D :lol: :evil: J
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ok i thought of this thread the other day when i couldn't find the handle for my sisters meat grinder, we got some really tough stew meat in our last beef we had butchered, well whats a redneck to do i hooked up the half inch hammer drill to the grinder and made hamburger, so if you ever used an electric drill as a kitchen appliance.... :evil:
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You know those jacks you have to crank to raise? I made an adapter for a drill to raise and lower a jack.
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Cracker was from the slave days. It was a southern white man, who "cracked" a whip. It was used after the war to label a white person who hung onto the thought that the south would rise again, and had racial veiws.
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I just learned that the other day. I thought it had something to do with being white like a saltine cracker.
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My favorite are graham crackers! :-D :lol: :evil: J
Isn't he an evangleist? :rant: X:X