Beemaster's International Beekeeping Forum

MEMBER & GUEST INTERACTION SECTION => HUMOR IS A FUNNY THING => Topic started by: beemaster on January 20, 2011, 12:25:08 am

Title: Your best one liners???
Post by: beemaster on January 20, 2011, 12:25:08 am
I'm starting two posts this and one called PUNCHLINES where all you give is the punchline and see if others remember or heard the joke. Good thing about punchlines, the joke can be risque' but the punchline perfectly clean.

But here is my entry in ONE LINE JOKES:

A club sandwich walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

What's yours :)

Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 20, 2011, 09:25:40 am
 It is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: iddee on January 20, 2011, 10:13:36 am
Two's a couple.
Three's a party.  "or orgy"
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beemaster on January 20, 2011, 11:19:13 am
The only way to keep a secret, is to "tell ONE person" then kill him!
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 20, 2011, 11:21:03 am
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Dave360 on January 20, 2011, 08:27:30 pm
two blonds walk into a building  - you think one of them would have seen it
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Humanbeeing on January 22, 2011, 01:36:13 am
Here's a one liner I pull on my wife sometimes...in a crowd:

Marry you? Heck lady, I don't even know you!

She loves it.  :evil:
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 22, 2011, 10:28:48 am
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: BjornBee on January 22, 2011, 11:22:37 am
Do you smell anything?  :-D
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Kathyp on January 22, 2011, 12:50:18 pm
S... H......!
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: irerob on January 22, 2011, 09:36:06 pm
 a guy walks into a bar and says ow.
 2 guys walk into a bar you"lld think one of them would of seen it.
 A nun, preist ,2 rabbii's, and 7 penguins  walk into a bar the bartender looks up and says " what is this a joke?"
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beee farmer on January 22, 2011, 10:32:26 pm
What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..." 

Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beee farmer on January 22, 2011, 11:03:00 pm
What kind of bees make milk?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Boobies!
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 23, 2011, 12:17:52 am
It's so cold out today that the nudist colony down the road had a sign out front that said "open, but clothed".
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Highlandsfreedom on January 23, 2011, 12:34:14 am
Hay Y'all watch this!!!!..................
Wrote a song about it like to hear it here ya go.............................
Ever danced with the Devil in the pale moon light?
Can Geico save you a ton of money?......................
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 23, 2011, 02:40:52 pm
Women are like hurricanes, because when they come they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them!
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: hardwood on January 23, 2011, 03:58:13 pm
How are a tornado and an Osteen divorce alike?...no matter what, somebody's loosin' a trailer!

They invented the tooth brush here...anywhere else it would've been called the "teeth" brush.

Scott
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Irwin on January 23, 2011, 04:50:07 pm
Cat the other white meat.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: hardwood on January 23, 2011, 07:13:20 pm
Salmon, the other pink meat :-D


Scott
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Michael Bush on January 24, 2011, 12:45:39 am
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: annette on January 24, 2011, 02:24:33 am
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.

:evil: :evil:
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 24, 2011, 09:19:17 am
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beemaster on January 24, 2011, 11:20:59 am
WORSE THING I EVER HEARD SAID ABOUT HONEYBEES... A mother tells her toddler that "Honey comes from SQUEESING the QUEENS til there's no juice left" That was in a book by Isaac Isomov.

Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 27, 2011, 10:54:00 pm
Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: vmmartin on January 29, 2011, 09:57:22 am
"Did you fart?"..............................."Dang right I did. You think I smell like that all the time?"
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on January 29, 2011, 04:28:16 pm
"Did you fart?"..............................."Nope, truck just smells like that all the time"
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: iddee on August 28, 2012, 10:04:26 pm
My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died.
Now, he votes Democrat.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: danno on August 29, 2012, 08:49:36 am
Buy a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he'' buy enough rods and tackle for ten lifetimes
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: danno on August 29, 2012, 08:56:14 am
my favorite J foxworthy
If you've ever been to drunk to fish.  You could be a redneck
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: triple7sss on August 29, 2012, 05:56:33 pm
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly.  Bartender asks "What's with the steering wheel?"

Pirate sez....

"Arrrrrrgh...it's drivin' me nuts."
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Nico on August 29, 2012, 11:43:21 pm
What do you call a Bear without an ear?      a   "B"
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: hardwood on August 29, 2012, 11:44:57 pm
Where can you find a dog with no legs?....Right where you left him!

Scott
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beetalkin on August 30, 2012, 12:20:49 am
where does a one-legged waitress work ? IHOP
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: beetalkin on August 30, 2012, 12:22:12 am
what's her name ? Ilene
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: hardwood on August 30, 2012, 09:26:03 am
If she's Asian it's Irene.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Oblio13 on August 31, 2012, 12:29:28 am
"How are you? Wait, I just remembered - I don't care."
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: iddee on September 02, 2012, 11:42:46 am
The best laugh is always at yourself.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: divemaster1963 on September 03, 2012, 01:33:55 am
A police officer asked a man that's wrecked his car into a light pole. I see we have a problem! the Man responds saying. ( No I park like this all the time. ) here's your sign. :-D
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: divemaster1963 on September 03, 2012, 01:38:00 am
Beekeepers love to eat their honey.


NO NO NO. Beekeepers like to LICK their Honey.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: AllenF on September 03, 2012, 09:27:06 pm
If Barak and 100 other people are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?   


The country.
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: hareman on September 10, 2012, 02:42:18 pm
Best one-liner of the weekend:

"If we want to keep our nation's secrets a 'SECRET' then we should store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate."Gov. Mike Huckabee
Title: Re: Your best one liners???
Post by: Lone on September 11, 2012, 09:26:12 am
Only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another a liar.